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I am a psychotherapist who earned his PhD in Clinical Psychology at Yale University and has more than forty years of experience working with individuals, couples and families. I listen deeply and help people utilize their strengths to address their vulnerabilities in order to get more traction with issues that have them stuck.

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Blame Has Got To Go

Blame is worse than useless.  If it were only useless it wouldn’t be so destructive.

Blame is broad-brush.  Black and white.  No shades of gray.

Blame is simple-minded.  Way too simplistic.

Let’s look at the blamer,  the person who blames other people for his troubles.  “It wasn’t my fault.  I had a right to be angry at what they said to me.  I was willing to talk, they weren’t.  I tried,  they didn’t.   They never support me.  They are so annoying.  They expect too much.    I was right about it.  I didn’t do it to hurt them.”


Let’s take a look at the other kind of person who blames,,,,,,,,,,the person who blames himself.  “I’m such a loser.  It was my fault.  I blew it.  I screwed it up.  It was me.  I shouldn’t have said anything.  I opened my big mouth.  It was me who lied.  It was me who let my partner down.”

I conceptualize the blame mechanism being embedded in the blamer and having  only two settings:  THEY’RE WHALE SHIT and I’M WHALE SHIT.   Nothing in between.  No neutral setting.  

Learning outperforms blame.


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