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Welcome

I am a psychotherapist who earned his PhD in Clinical Psychology at Yale University and has more than forty years of experience working with individuals, couples and families. I listen deeply and help people utilize their strengths to address their vulnerabilities in order to get more traction with issues that have them stuck.

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Words and What To Do With Them

Forty years ago Maurice Sendak illustrated a book of definitions of words, definitions drawn from very young children. The title was “A hole is to dig.” Many of the definitions were action based. I have revived this way of defining words. Mistakes are....resentments are....embarrassments are.....failures are....disappointments are....sadness is.....anger is...... First I will offer some definitions that are common but NOT so useful. Next I will offer ones that lead in more fruitful directions. Mistakes are .........to be embarrassed by....to be counted, and subtracted from a perfect score....to be avoided..... Mistakes are to be noticed, softly.....to be investigated.....to be studied.....to be double-clicked to reveal the fuller story....to be forgiven..... Resentments are.....to be saved, like coins, you never know when you might need them....to be held close to the heart....to be shared with the object of the resentment, without particular attention to how the resentment is sh
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Sadness is an Acceptance Emotion

Sadness is an acceptance emotion. Sadness and goodbyes go together. Goodbyes allow letting go. In a good goodbye you feel the pain of the parting. In a good goodbye you know what you are letting go of. In a good goodbye you know in that moment what you had .In a good goodbye you know what you had and don't have anymore. In a good goodbye you know what you didn't have. In a good goodbye you know what you didn't have and now never will. Goodbyes are SPECIFIC.   It's not just goodbye Charlie.....it's goodbye Charlie's laugh....goodbye Charlie coming to visit to this apartment, walking with his particular walk and laughing, provoking, demanding in his particular way.   It's goodbye Charlie   and the way I felt warmed by his presence.   Or goodbye Charlie, I never got to know your softer side...goodbye to the hope of getting to know your softer side. Often bringing forward   your sadness or feeling your goodbye brings clarity,   clears the air, and releases energ
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Poetry and Engineering

POETRY AND ENGINEERING ....in life and in psychotherapy Poetry  leaps....Cuts through.... Resonates...Inspires.  Rings all the bells...Is memorable.   Poetry makes use of all the figures of speech....Analogies...Hyperbole...Concision   Especially metaphors. Poetry is Eternal...Timeless...Out of time....Transformative.  Flashes of Magic.  Archetypes.  Exaggeration.    Uncompromising.   Desire   Excess  Danger... Poetry distills ....concentrates..... It’s all there in a highly concentrated form.
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Pushups in Jail

Do pushups in the jail cell. Get your GED during your sentence. Go through your pocketbook while you’re waiting for the next train. During your recuperation from the operation catch up on that pile of magazines. Many can be the uses of adversity There are some up sides to restricted choices. You are turning something yucky to some good.
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A Mess With a Purpose

Renovation is a mess with a purpose. When you decide to renovate your kitchen, it’s because the kitchen as it was organized didn’t work the way you wanted it to.  So you renovate.  In the middle of the renovation project the kitchen is a mess.  The stove doesn’t work.  Everything is out of the cabinets.  You cannot prepare a meal.  Things don’t work as well as they did before the renovation.  You may  feel discouraged “Will things ever work again?” When you are in therapy it’s a different kind of renovation.  Things weren’t working so well....and then you undertook identifying old patterns that were not constructive....and trying to catch yourself and not simply fall into them.  While this is going on should it be surprising that things don’t work as well as before the therapy, before trying to make changes? Renovations aren't just ordinary messes.  They are messes with a purpose. When you are in a mess,  perhaps there is a purpose lurking there to be discovered and made into a pro
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You Are a Committee

It’s like a committee.  Imagine a group of people gathered in a room discussing something, not necessarily in a harmonious way.  But the committee is YOU.  All of the different personalities and voices on the committee are parts of you.  Facets of your personality.   Some of the voices may bear a striking similarity to actual people, living or dead, who have been in your life.  Your mother.  Your father.   Your teacher.  Your high school rival. You really like. some of the members of the committee  And some of the members of the committee you really hate. I’ve tried to get rid of some of the members of my committee for years.  I wanted to get rid of the stupid Philip.  The sloppy Philip.  The emotionally hungry Philip.  The doubtful Philip.    When I’d throw them out the door, they’d climb back in the window. Eventually I discovered that I couldn’t really get rid of any of the unruly troublesome pain-in-the-ass members of my committee.  Eventually I discovered that I didn’t need to get
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Blame Has Got To Go

Blame is worse than useless.  If it were only useless it wouldn’t be so destructive. Blame is broad-brush.  Black and white.  No shades of gray. Blame is simple-minded.  Way too simplistic. Let’s look at the blamer,  the person who blames other people for his troubles.  “It wasn’t my fault.  I had a right to be angry at what they said to me.  I was willing to talk, they weren’t.  I tried,  they didn’t.   They never support me.  They are so annoying.  They expect too much.    I was right about it.  I didn’t do it to hurt them.” Let’s take a look at the other kind of person who blames,,,,,,,,,,the person who blames himself.  “I’m such a loser.  It was my fault.  I blew it.  I screwed it up.  It was me.  I shouldn’t have said anything.  I opened my big mouth.  It was me who lied.  It was me who let my partner down.” I conceptualize the blame mechanism being embedded in the blamer and having  only two settings:  THEY’RE WHALE SHIT and I’M WHALE SHIT.   Nothing in between.  No neutral setti
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